


Never not

by beijingaccent9



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied Mpreg, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-06-12 11:11:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15338610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beijingaccent9/pseuds/beijingaccent9
Summary: Minseok comes back with a luggage and a kid, unsure about his decisions, while Lu Han's living the dream at the expense of losing himself.





	1. we were tragic

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is inspired by a prompt from exoauprompts. The title is inspired by Lauv's Never not, thanks to P for telling me about the song! Also, this is unbeta'd so read at your own risk. Thank you!

Lu Han’s apartment is quiet and empty despite being fully-furnished. He can’t even call it a home– when he spends most of his time in a van, curled up in a blanket, laying down on the upholstered chair in the most uncomfortable position. He plops down on the sofa, pondering about life and all, wondering how his life would be like if he has kids running around in his place, except Baekhyun told him, he needs to throw most of his furniture away.

 

 _They are all pointy, if you really want to have kids of your own, your place has to be safe for kids._ He still hears Baekhyun’s voice in his head sometimes.

 

He misses the life he abandoned, the life where he can go out in the middle of the night in his cleats with a ball in one hand and a water jug in the other, thriving for the vast soccer field. How does the grass feel against his skin, he doesn’t even remember, doesn’t even remember the last time he held a ball. High school feels like a century ago, that’s what he usually says when asked in an interview about his school days. Most fans are curious and it’s a given.

 

He’s finally living the dream at the expense of losing himself.

 

He’s having a hard time to breathe, so constricting, feels like there’s a tight leash around his neck. The higher the place, the harder to breathe as there’s lower air pressure makes it more difficult for oxygen to enter his airways onto his lungs; that must be it, Lu Han spends time convincing himself. Sehun tells him, it’s fame, it’s not because your penthouse is in the top most floor of the building. There are always eyes following him and if not curious and judging eyes, there are camera lenses, capturing every moment of his life.

 

He’s done good, but they capture the bad mostly, because it is easier to write and it pays a lot. It’s juicy and entertaining. No one wants to write boring editorials because no one wants to read them. Probably the most ridiculous out of everything they have written is Lu Han being the “Playboy of the Industry”.

 

Yifan laughs at that and has a habit of teasing Lu Han every time they meet for a photoshoot. _Really, Lu Han? When we all know you haven’t gotten laid since…_ but he stops when he knows he’s about to hit a spot, _The Spot,_ where it hurts the most, where it hits home.

 

Yixing gives him a suggestion. He’s probably the only sane person in their group of twelve, or eleven, minus _the one that got away_. He gives good advices and makes really good music that Lu Han sings for his solos, and voila, they’re staying in the charts for so long—it’s their rightful home considering how talented his friend is. _Why don’t we set up a reunion? Everyone should be invited... that might lure him out._

 

All of them got busy and it’s just about time that they sit down and talk like they used to.

He’s thinking about it, carefully, but he knows that won’t do the trick. Though he says, with a hopeful heart and fingers crossed, it will not hurt to try. It’s better to exert some effort than to regret everything when he gets older and couldn’t even lift a finger. He might as well do something when he’s still capable.

 

He’s about to close his eyes and head off to dreamland when his stomach retaliates, growling with hunger. He stands up, almost lethargic, opens the fridge, and to his dismay, it’s empty. He gets his cap and his wallet and heads down, determined to go to the nearest convenience store and probably grab a cup of ramen or two.

 

-

 

 

He’s at the food section, pondering about which brand to buy. He thinks it’s ridiculous, they’re all noodles and will make his face bloat the next morning so he grabs whatever and heads for the cashier when a running kid, probably around four or five years old bumps on his knee.

 

He immediately levels himself to the kid and asks if she’s okay, feeling apologetic as his knees are bony and could have really gotten the kid injured. He already has tons of bad publicity, and it shouldn’t pile one after another. Of course he knows the truth, but will the public believe him if the media only shows a different angle of what has really taken place?

 

“Oh, I’m sorry, sir.” The kid says, polite and smiling. “It’s all my fault, please don’t cry.” Lu Han’s about to burst out loud laughing. Does he really look like he’s about to cry? She’s probably the most entertaining part of his day.

 

“Here, let me help you.” He says, extending his hand over to the cute kid and the little one doesn’t hesitate to take his hand and stand up, tidying her skirt with the other free hand. He gets a glimpse of her face and almost amazed at how she looks like, almost identical to him when he was a kid. He makes a mental note to himself to check his childhood pictures.

 

“Thank you, sir–” She tilts her head to the side, trying to make out how the man looks like. Lu Han notices it and removes his cap. The girl suddenly bursts into tears, a man looking worried quickly approaches her. “Are you my daddy?”

 

“Oh, I’m very sorry. She’s just like that to every man she meets in Seoul.” The boy helps her wipe her tears and lifts her up, caressing her back to try and get her to stop crying. “Lucia, please stop crying. He’s not your daddy.”

 

The kid retaliates in his hold and screams, “But I’m sure of it, Uncle Mark. He’s daddy. He’s daddy, I want daddy! Papa told me he loves daddy so much… he’s going to be happy when I found daddy for him.”

 

“Lucia–“

 

What did you call her is what Lu Han asks. _He,_ the one that got away, often talks about it in high school, about having a kid, wanting to name the kid Lucia if she’s a girl and Lucas if he’s a boy. There’s a pang in his heart when he’s reminded of his eyes, shining brightly, sparkling like the thousands of stars that night. He never got to ask him about the names though, why he has chosen them despite a plethora of options.

 

“I’m not your dad.” Is what he says before he quickly pays for his meal and runs off back to his place.

 

-

 

 

Lu Han ponders about five years ago, debuting as the main vocalist in the group together with Sehun, Jongin, and Chanyeol. They were all living together at the start, but Lu Han, around four year mark, announced he wanted to move out. The members were not surprised at all, they knew how Lu Han was not keen on living with them and was always muttering about how _he_ was the best roommate ever, and none of his friends-slash-members could compare.

 

Minseok could have been celebrating his five year anniversary as an actor by now, if he had not cancelled his contract and ran away where no one, none of his friends, could find him. It was so sudden, they were all in good terms. Naturally, the others got mad, others were understanding, Lu Han– he was just confused, but no, not mad, eventually, he became sad and buried himself with work.

 

“Do you think he’d show up?” Lu Han asks Junmyeon who’s driving him to his supposed location. There’s no assurance that he will ever show up, not even sure if the news of the reunion ever got delivered to him.

 

“I’ve known _him_ longer than you– I’ve known him longer than anybody else in the group, Lu Han.” Junmyeon starts off, his voice slightly wavering as he makes cursory glances at his older friend. “He’s not going to show up is what I would say if I’m going to be honest and all, Han. But–”

 

“But what?”

 

“If he does show up, different from the Minseok we’ve known– will you still, will you still love him?”

 

Lu Han just simply nods and Junmyeon understands. Maybe he underestimated his feelings for Minseok.

 

He drops the subject and tells him about the kid he met at the convenience store yesterday. He describes her as cute and puts emphasis on their uncanny resemblance. “Her name’s Lucia, you know.”

 

“So you met a kid named Lucia who looks like you when you were younger?”

 

“Exactly, what are the odds, right?” He smiles while he imagines his future child, looking just like him, probably playing soccer with him or if it’s a girl, he’s going to watch videos about ponytails and make her the prettiest little girl ever.

 

“She called me _daddy_ though.” Lu Han looks out the window, wallowing in sadness. “I was flustered, but when I got home, I realized I’d like to be called _Daddy_. I would love to have a family, but only if–”

 

“But only if it’s Minseok?” Junmyeon surely knows what to say.

 

 _Yeah._ Lu Han keeps quiet and keeps his answer all to himself.

 

 

-

 

 

Minseok returns to Seoul five years later, with a luggage in one hand, and the other, holding Lucia’s little hand. Lu Han’s face is everywhere, billboards, life-size cut outs on display, posters, led ads, you name it. He’s so happy for his success as he has always known it’s what Lu Han has always wanted.

 

“How was Lucia yesterday, Mark?” He asks as he flips the pancake, scoops it, and places it on Mark’s plate.

 

“It’s the same ordeal, hyung.” Mark sighs, aware how hard it is for her nephew. “Sooner or later, you’ll have to tell her who her father is. Why not come clean and tell her now?”

 

“It’s complicated, Mark. I’m not even sure if her father would want me, or her.” Minseok plops on the chair, feeling dejected and unconfident. “I don’t want her to feel like she’s not wanted.”

 

The younger nods, stopping himself from prying about the elder’s decisions in life. As far as he’s concerned, only Minseok knows of the truth, and he’s lucky enough to have a family as loving and understanding.

 

“Bye, hyung!” He shouts as he heads towards the door and leaves for school. “I’m going to fetch Lucia later at the daycare!”

 

Mark remembers his cousin from five years ago, knocking on their door as he supports his belly, announcing that he’s pregnant. He looked so tired and stressed, probably not used to the long flight from South Korea to Canada. His family welcomed him with open arms, helped him throughout the pregnancy, took turns with taking care of their pretty baby while Minseok works at night.

 

Minseok reaches for his princess’ hand, walking hand in hand as they head for the bus station. It’s still bustling and hustling in Seoul, people walking straight, albeit in a much quicker pace. His mind wanders off to somewhere else– thinking of someone else, Lucia catches him looking far, so she tags his sleeves, and notifies her of the incoming bus.

 

Such an eloquent kid is what he thinks. A month being in Seoul and she’s got the bus memorised already. She must have taken after his other dad, but Minseok’s not so bad himself, so maybe, it wouldn’t be selfish to say– that Lucia takes after him, too.

 

“Mr. Lee says he’s going to introduce our new teacher today, papa!” Lucia beams at him– her smile is what makes him forget all his worries. He lifts her up, helping her go up the steps of the bus, and lets her sit while he stands, holding onto the railings. “I’m so excited to meet him! Are you?”

 

Minseok nods, but it feels unnerving. He breaks into a cold sweat, and somehow, it seems like a foreboding that something bad is going to happen.

 

-

 

 

Minseok enters the room with Lucia and almost falls at his knees when he sees someone familiar, someone he hasn’t seen in years. _Baekhyun._ He still looks bubbly, albeit more mature. It takes a while before he has forced himself to move, still cannot process everything before him.

 

“Oh god, Minseok.” Baekhyun says, voice faltering, tears threatening to fall from his beautiful eyes.

 

“You know him, papa?” Lucia asks, giving him a curious glance.

 

“Yeah,” Minseok goes on one knee and kisses her on the forehead. “Play with the other kids while I talk to your new teacher, okay?”

 

Lucia nods and hops off to greet her friends. Really an obedient and loving child.

 

“It’s been so long, oh god, I missed you so much.” Baekhyun seems like he’s about to cry, but holding it in putting such a brave front. “We’ve missed you so much.” He hugs him, and Minseok lets himself be hugged. He can’t deny how much he misses the chatterbox.

 

“And you now have a kid?” He seems surprised, but is accepting the fact with a light heart. “She’s a beauty… just like you.”

 

Minseok smiles and just shrugs. “Oh, only if you know where she got her beauty from.” He mutters, almost whispering that Baekhyun cannot make out the words asking for him to repeat. “No, it’s nothing.”

 

“How is everyone? I was gone for five years and you've matured so much.” Minseok runs his fingers through his friend’s hair– it’s dyed like it used to back then, but in a different colour. “I used to help you dye your hair, you still remember?”

 

He sees his friend slightly nodding– he’s still wary if he should be talking like this to Baekhyun. He hasn’t asked about Lucia yet, and if he does, he knows too well not to lie. Baekhyun knows when he lies, but he’s not ready to let the cat out of the bag yet. There are so many things to consider.  So many _feelings_ to consider.

 

“Lu Han, that guy– he _misses_ you a lot.” Minseok does, too. Everyday, every single day that God made. He misses him just as much, probably even more. He loves him. It’s natural for Lu Han to miss him since he’s his friend, but Minseok doesn’t miss him that way. He doesn’t know when, but he stopped seeing Lu Han just as a friend– he knows he loves him more than just a friend, but he’s well aware that his best friend doesn’t see him that way, _or so he thought._

 

“Please don’t tell them about me yet.” Minseok pleads. “I’m going to tell them myself.”

 

But he’s not going to be a hundred percent honest. He’s going to have to lie, somehow.

 

-

 

 

 

The popular star arrives at the meeting just on time. He bows politely and makes way to his seat, gesturing for Junmyeon to sit beside him as his new manager. Everyone gathers round, the director’s very excited to meet the famous Lu Han.

 

“Now I know why you’re so popular.” The director says, complimenting Lu Han. It’s easy to like him, and his looks are pleasing to the eyes. He only has to stand and smile, and he’s got all of them wrapped around his fingers. That’s his charm.

 

By the end of the meeting, Lu Han knows he has to learn English seriously to prepare for his role. So he’s given his manager a task– _find the best English teacher in Seoul._

 

“Okay, so there’s a language center nearby.” Junmyeon tells him as he looks at the screen. “And, they offer one-on-one session, too. Would you like me to drive you to the place?”

 

Lu Han just simply nods and lets Junmyeon handle everything. He has always been good at these kind of things. He has the patience that he lacks. It’s a good thing Junmyeon agreed to being his manager– his job is to mostly babysit Lu Han anyway, and probably handle his individual schedule.

 

They arrive at the place a little after five o’clock in the afternoon. It’s a short and smooth ride to the place with Junmyeon handling the wheels. “We’re here.” He announces and the Chinese gets ready, phone in his hand, the other opening the door.

 

He sees Junmyeon already talking with someone so he drags his feet to where his friend is and stands behind him and offers the other man a small smile. “This is Lu Han.”

 

The other man who’s about the same height as Junmyeon nods. “It’s hard not to know him.” He comments because of the sheer fact that Lu Han’s famous like that– he’s everywhere you go: The next corner, the next street, the subway, the airport, the bus station. “We would like a one-on-one session. An english course.”

 

Dongwoo, as his nameplate reads, hands him a pamphlet that contains a list of all the English Language tutors working under his center. “I would personally recommend Xiumin. He’s been getting great reviews.”

 

“Where can we meet him?”

 

“He was supposed to be here, but I guess there’s an emergency at home that needed to be taken care of,” Dongwoo glances around looking for a sign of _Xiumin._ “But you can meet him tomorrow, around eight in the morning. I’ll tell him to be prepared.”

 

Junmyeon tells Dongwoo to keep his client’s identity as a secret first. It’s Lu Han they are talking about after all. Opportunists are just right around the corner. “He’s a good man, but if you insist.”

 

Lu Han bows and thanks the man before him, puzzled. _Xiumin?_ He definitely hasn’t heard of the name for a long time.

 

He gets in the car and turns to his friend. “Does the name ring a bell to you?”

 

His friend shrugs and gets back on his job, but the famous star can’t be at ease with all these mysteries wrapped around the name. _Xiumin_. He surely has heard it somewhere before, just cannot point out exactly where and when.

 

He rests his back against the softness of the seat, relaxing his mind as he closes his eyes to get back to sleep.

 

_I’m going to meet Xiumin tomorrow anyway._

 

 

 

 

 


	2. we were beautiful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbeta’ed.

Minseok gets up early for work– an eight o’clock appointment with a prospective client. He prepares breakfast for Mark and Lucia, leaves a note that says “take care and eat well!” and takes a bread to munch while he walks toward the station.

 

He hopes he looks presentable, he’s reminded of Dongwoo’s message yesterday. He’s a big shot and may pay you a lot if you can do a good job, so impress him. Oh heck yes, he will. For the love of Lucia and Mark, he’s going to. He’s going to need them cash.

 

It’s a short trip and he still has time left before the high-profile client arrives. Breathe.

 

“Can’t tell me a clue who he is?” He asks, but Dongwoo just shrugs.

 

It’s a surprise, his boss says, oh but he’s definitely going to be surprised.

-

 

Lu Han groans, waking up from his deep slumber by his ringing phone. He’s a bit groggy, but he manages to answer the call. It’s Junmyeon telling him he can’t drive him today, because emergency. Yifan is in the hospital for immediate operation, appendicitis, if he hears it correctly.

 

Lu Han tells Junmyeon to relax, because his friend is a little frantic sometimes especially if it concerns his fiancé. He’s going to be okay and he’s not going to die, he assures his friend.

 

He has no choice but to stand up and prepare for his day ahead and finally feed his curiosities and learn English. (But knowing who Xiumin is, is more interesting, if he may add.)

 

He goes down to the convenience store before heading to the center and feed his growling stomach first. And there he is in the same store, witnessing a young girl and a teenage boy. They’re the same people from before so he walks up to them and gauges the situation. Lucia’s crying. Probably looking for his daddy again.

 

“Hey, little girl.” Lu Han waves at her and smiles when he sees her wiping her tears to return back the smile to him. What a lovely little girl she is.

 

“Daddy!” She screams happily and Lu Han can’t help but to pat her head.

 

Lucia raises both of her hand, asking her to be carried and so the Chinese man complies and does what she wants. He’s now carrying her and Mark looks horrified rather than relieved that her little niece has stopped crying.

 

“He’s not your daddy, Lucia.” Mark says, trying to get her from the taller man. “Your Papa’s going to get mad if you’re late for school. Let’s go–”

 

“But I want daddy to send me to school? Why is it always you and Papa?”

 

Lu Han fixes her hair and feels apologetic. He’s not even the kid’s real dad, so why does he feel this way? It probably stems from his childhood. He was never close to his dad because he was never home most of the time, so it’s just him and his mom. That’s probably the most logical explanation for what he’s feeling.

 

“Daddy’s busy, baby. Next time, maybe I can…”

 

Mark shakes his head and sighs. This is definitely bad, promising a kid he barely even knows? Definitely screams like a bad idea, but Lucia buys it and hops off from his hold. “I’ll wait for that day to come, Daddy!”

 

She holds Mark’s hand, signalling she’s ready to go to school now that she has seen her daddy at the same store. “Bye, daddy!”

 

Lu Han feels so empty after Lucia leaves. There’s a longing feeling, an emptiness that needed to be filled, a void. He could have been married by now if he hasn’t chosen this path, carrying a kid in his arms or with a baby on the way, either way will be amazing and happy. He’s going to be the happiest father alive.

 

He looks at the time, and, fuck it, he is late.

-

  
He drives to the center, rushes as he enters the place, feeling apologetic as he sees Dongwoo by the reception desk. Dongwoo quickly calls for Xiumin after spotting their potential client. He’s feeling a little anxious and somewhat excited to meet who Xiumin is. He stares at the door and waits for the said man to come out.

 

The man comes out and Lu Han feels like he’s transported back to five years ago, standing at the hallway, in front of the door where Minseok would come out after his last class, waiting for him so they could walk home together.

 

“Minseok?”

 

Minseok pulls him inside his small office and shuts the door close, leaving Dongwoo confused and puzzled, but he lets them be. Judging both of their reactions, Dongwoo is sensible enough to leave them alone, thinking there might have been a whole lot of things that went on with them in the past.

 

Both remain quiet for a good few minutes, seemingly hesitant to strike a conversation, a talk that both of them need for the longest time. It has been so many years after all. It feels awkward, suddenly having to face the man Minseok has been hiding from and to Lu Han’s defense– he’s stunned. Stunned at the fact that Minseok is still as beautiful as he remembered, maybe even more.

 

So many questions that Lu Han wants to ask, but he knows it’s not the time for all. He just wants to hold Minseok in his arms, envelope him in a tight embrace, shower him with kisses, tell him his true feelings, go back the way they used to– if he’s allowed. If he’s done anything wrong that pushed Minseok away, then he’s going to accept whatever his decision will be.

 

He wants to at least hold his hands, though, but he’s rooted in his place, unable to move a limb.

 

Minseok doesn’t smile like that anymore and that’s what upsets him the most.

 

“Sir, aren’t we going to talk about your lessons?” Minseok sounds cold, not affectionate like he was years ago. Maybe he really did something wrong and was so dense not to take notice, if that’s the case then he should at least apologise. Not expecting anything after the apology.

 

His face drops. “You can drop the formalities…” He says, examining Minseok’s face. “We’re friends after all.” Or were?

 

“Sir.” His voice is firm, deep, seems like he’s angry. He stands straight, loosening the tie around his neck and slams the desk with his fist. “With all due respect, sir…” He puts an emphasis on the word, denying the good relationship Lu Han tried to imply a few moments ago. “It is a general knowledge to talk formally to my potential client to make a good impression.” Though he knows, if it’s probably not Lu Han in front of him, he’d probably be replaced, slamming the table isn’t really going to leave a good impression.

 

This isn’t the Minseok he became friends and eventually fell in love with– correction, is still in love with. But he knows it’s unfair to expect that Minseok is still the same from five years ago, when Lu Han himself has changed. Experiences can change a man, and what happened to Minseok while he was gone, he is not aware of. “Is it my fault that you left?” There’s desperation in his voice, almost cracking as he tries not to let a tear escape.

 

Hearing that makes Minseok want to give in.

 

The smaller Korean man fervently shakes his head to deny. “N-no, it’s my fault.” He looks at him in the eyes for the first time in so long, almost about to cry, looking so vulnerable, and Lu Han swears, he wants to run up to him and hug him, but considering their current situation, he’s not sure if he’s even allowed to.

 

He hates seeing Minseok sad. He deserves all the happiness in the world.

 

“I was not careful enough, Lu.” He hears him say, but he’s not sure what it means. But it surely feels nice to be called Lu again, like the good old times.

 

The Chinese man thinks back to five years ago. Wasn’t careful enough? What does he mean by that? Did they argue before Minseok left? Is that why he left? He knows Minseok well enough to know hoe careful he is with his words, not wanting to hurt anyone. If someone said anything wrong, it’s him, it’s only him that could have done it between them. He doesn’t really have filter sometimes.

 

It’s definitely him.

 

Lu Han holds him in place and Minseok immediately stops shaking. “I’m so sorry for making you feel uncomfortable. We can talk about it next time…” He assures him. “When you’re ready.”

 

There’s a deafening silence after their exchange of words.

 

“Will you back out now that you know that it’s me you’ll be teaching?”

 

Minseok will not let personal issues affect his work. He may have been a little shaken a while ago, but he’s resolute to work as the head of the family. He’s going to give her the best education, feed her all the delicious meals that she wants, and help Mark with his schooling.

 

“What day sounds good for you?” Minseok’s reply definitely catches Lu Han off guard. He does not expect Minseok to go on with this whole arrangement, but he’s matured so much, that his reply isn’t all that shocking to him anymore.

 

“I’m only free during the weekends, though, how about you?”

 

Minseok hesitates a little, but he figures Lu Han’s going to find out about Lucia anyway. Sooner or later. So he’s going to tell him a part of the truth he’s hiding from him, from all of them. “I’m a single dad.” He admits.

 

“I have to take care of my kid on the weekends. Ah, so then, maybe, you have to find another one after all.” Mark goes on his part-time work during the weekends, so he knows no one to take care of Lucia.

 

So, that’s what Minseok means about him not being careful? Because he got pregnant? If there’s anyone who’s not careful, it should be the man who got him pregnant and left him suffering alone. Was he consumed by fear… and decided it would be best to leave the country? The society isn’t exactly understanding of single parents, so somehow, Lu Han understands Minseok.

 

“You can bring him–”

 

“It’s her.” Minseok corrects him and smiles a bit. Okay, that’s good. He’s starting to feel okay.

 

Lu Han smiles back. “As I was saying, you can bring her with you. My house is spacious and kid-safe.” He may have lied about the second part. He definitely has to purchase some toys when he goes home or hide his unsafe furniture away. “I don’t mind, really.”

 

“You didn’t exactly like kids before?” He isn’t sure, maybe Lu Han has changed.

 

The taller man shrugs. “I know… but this kid I met probably changed my perspective about kids.” Lu Han smiles while talking about her. “I want to have kids.”

 

Minseok laughs awkwardly. “Marry your girlfriend first.”

 

He tilts his head, wondering where this girlfriend came from. “What girlfriend?”

 

“Uh, the news? There was a rumour.”

 

“There’s a reason why it’s called a rumour.”

 

Minseok’s not sure, but he feels kind of relieved that Lu Han turns down the rumour. Feels like an assurance and maybe a small ray of hope that Minseok and Lucia will be accepted.

 

“Ah, then, Saturday? Give me your address.”

 

Lu Han writes it down on a blank piece of paper and puts it down on the table. “Gave you my number too.”

 

“What time sounds good?”

 

“Probably around ten am? I’m not good waking up early.” And he learns best when his night sleep isn’t disturbed by the horrifying sound of the alarm.

 

Minseok knows that, remembers that.

 

“Can I tell the guys about you? They’d be so thrilled!”

 

Minseok shakes his head. “Not now. So far, it’s only you and Baekhyun. And like you, meeting Baekhyun was also a coincidence.”

 

 

When the time comes, Minseok will be ready.

 

-

 

 

“Oh? It’s Daddy!” Lucia is happy, Minseok doesn’t understand.

 

Meanwhile, Lu Han is in shock.

 

“Papa! You should’ve told me you’re bringing me to Daddy!” She pouts. “I could have worn my pink dress!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second chapter took a while because I got sick and classes at uni already started. I hope y’all like this update. Thank you!


	3. we’d never come back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this update took so long! I was busy, am still busy with uni.

What’s ahead of Minseok this Saturday, he isn’t exactly prepared for it.

  
Minseok bathes Lucia the moment the little girl finishes her breakfast. Feels kind of lonely taking care of her alone since Mark goes off earlier to his part-time job. He spends almost an hour on her hair. And when he finally deems his work okay, he tells her to pick her own clothes, because the last time Minseok checked, Lucia doesn’t like the way he styled her.

 

The kid’s got a preference of her own.

 

Lucia comes out wearing a comfortable leggings and a cute purple tee that she got as a present from her Teacher Baekhyun. Think of it as a present from Uncle! So, apparently, that’s what Baekhyun told the little kid and Minseok swears, he hasn’t changed one bit.

 

He’s so proud of her. It feels like time flies so fast. The next he knows, Lucia can crawl, can mumble words. Now, she can even dress herself, form comprehensive sentences, knows how to add numbers, to count, to use chopstick.

 

“Where are we going, Papa?” She asks, a glint of curiosity obvious in her eyes. She’s at that age, as the older people say.

 

Minseok comes out from his room, hair wet and dishevelled. He smiles at her cute little angel and levels himself to the kid. “Oh, we’re meeting a really huge celebrity! It’s Papa’s biggest client so you behave, okay?”

 

He knows he really doesn’t have to remind her that. Lucia is always at her best behaviour. At the tender age of four, she knows how to gauge a situation and act accordingly. It’s just different when she’s reminded of her Daddy. The prim and proper little girl cries and stomps her tiny feet and screams that she wants to see him, his Daddy.

 

She nods at him enthusiastically and he pats her on the head, careful not to mess up her ponytail that took him awhile to do. In front of the laptop screen, Minseok sits for hours practicing different styles to try on Lucia. Talk about dedicated.

 

“Wait for me to finish, then we’ll leave.” Minseok says before heading back to his room and fix his hair. He’s in front of the mirror, psyching himself, mumbling words to himself. You can do it, Minseok. It’s just Lu Han, it’s just him, it’s just the man you lo…

 

He’s still working on that. Anyway, he’s nervous– that’s not how normally he is in front of his clients. He’s confident, he’s good at what he does, he learned English at a university and graduated with Latin honours. He’s not supposed to fret over this matter.

 

Except, he’s dealing with Lu Han and he’s not exactly sure if this is a small matter.

 

“Papa, are you ready?” Lucia asks from the living room, feeling impatient as she goes over what’s inside her tiny bag. She sees her favourite doll, a handkerchief, candies… she adds one more toy and feels satisfied with it.

 

Minseok comes out a few minutes later and holds her hand as they both go out and head for today’s adventure.

 

 

 

 

They come across a person named Hakyeon who Minseok and Lucia are very fond of. Apparently, a choreographer, a renowned one. They both greet him as they head closer to his direction.

 

“Oh, my favourite father-daughter tandem!” He smiles at them, examining the young girl’s smiling face which really reminds him of someone, just can’t seem to pinpoint exactly who. Probably among his students in the studio?

 

“You’re just going home now?” Minseok asks. It reminds the young father of his training period, going home late at night, studying for a bit, before heading to sleep, waking up early for his academics. It’s not exactly easy, but it’s not like he didn’t like it.

 

“Oh yeah, the idol I’m working with is really dedicated with his craft.” He tells him, not disclosing who it is. “It’s scary sometimes.”

 

“Make sure to rest well then.” Minseok waves good bye and he lets Lucia drag her to the bus stop.

 

  
-

 

 

 

The duo finally arrive in front of Lu Han’s building. It’s nerve-wracking, still, no matter how hard Minseok psyched himself. In a few minutes, he’s going to meet the man he only ever loved, loves.

 

Even pressing the elevator buttons seems like a difficult job. As they go up one floor over another, Minseok’s heart races faster than ever. Lucia looks over and notices how worried his Daddy is. Her small hand squeezes his, as if telling him to calm down, it’s going to be okay because she’s by his side.

 

“Papa, don’t worry! You’re the best English teacher I know!” She beams at him as she tries to adjust her backpack with her free hand. “And I’m sure your new student will think so too!”

 

It’s really a blessing to have her is what Minseok thinks as they finally arrive at the top most floor, welcomed by a spacious area. The little girl looks at it with awe. Minseok looks around trying to spot where Lu Han is, Lucia walks over to one of the rooms and squeals.

 

“Daddy!” Just who is she calling? Lucia doesn’t call her that, so just who is she referring to? No, it can’t be…? Minseok locates her and sees her baby girl on the arms of her father, his other dad.

 

“It’s Daddy!” Lucia is happy, Minseok doesn’t understand.

 

Meanwhile, Lu Han is in shock.

 

“Papa! You should’ve told me you’re bringing me to Daddy!” She pouts. “I could have worn my pink dress!”

 

Lu Han brings her down, tells her to go play in the living room where he prepared toys for her. Being the obedient kid that she is, she goes off on her own and tells them not to worry. She’s going to play alone while his Papa works.

 

“How?” Minseok should have known, Lucia’s going to find out someday. He should have told her earlier about him. “How do you know her? How did she know…?”

 

Lu Han doesn’t really comprehend what the last sentence means, but he replies anyway. “She met me at a convenience store one day and started calling me Daddy.” He calmly explains, Minseok gets relieved with what he has heard. “I couldn’t refuse her… she’s so cute. She’s gotten it from you I assume.”

 

“I mean, you know, since I haven’t met his other dad.”

 

Minseok nods and asks Lu Han if they can study by the kitchen instead where Lucia is at his sight. The other agrees and helps him set the table. The smaller smiles at how thoughtful the taller man is. He actually takes the liberty of making Lucia feel safe and comfortable at his home. This could have been their home.

 

“Shall we start, then?”

  
-

 

 

 

It has been two hours since they started and Minseok takes notice of how Lu Han yawns every now and then and suggests they should take a break for a while. He knows he wouldn’t be able to absorb anything anyway if he’s that sleepy.

 

“I practiced till dawn…” Lu Han shares something about himself, something Minseok isn’t expecting. “The comeback date is approaching and I just don’t want to disappoint people anymore.”

 

Same old Lu Han, overworking himself, thinking how he’s disappointing when no one ever thinks of him that way. He’s someone people look up to, he’s someone people want to be when they grow up– he’s so much more than what he think he is.

 

“Aren’t you curious about how the others are doing?” Minseok’s not surprised that he asked him about that. He knows it’s going to come up whether he likes it or not. “They miss you, ‘Seok. It’s not the same without you.”

 

Minseok smiles bitterly. “Baekhyun updates me about them. I’ll leave it at that for now. I’m still not ready to face them. I was gone for years and came back with a kid.” He halts. “What would they think of me?”

 

“They wouldn’t… I wouldn’t let them hurt you with words, ‘Seok.” The Chinese man reassures him just like he always does, just like before when they were younger. “Lucia is a beautiful kid. You’ve raised her to be loving and kind.”

 

“So you shouldn’t be ashamed. Face them at the reunion, ‘Seok. I’m going to be there too.”

 

Lucia runs over to their area before Minseok can speak. She smiles at them both before dragging them with her tiny hands over to the living room where her drawing is. It’s the three of them, Lucia at the middle, Minseok and Lu Han at each sides, looking happy like a real family.

 

“Papa, Daddy, and me!” She exclaims. “Can we live here forever, Papa? I want to be with Daddy everyday!”

 

Both fall silent, unsure about what to answer. Lucia doesn’t push to it anyway and forgets about it when another toy catches her attention.

 

“Must be hard to raise a kid all on your own, huh?”

 

Minseok only nods as he looks back at her, apologetic.

 

“I want a child of my own, too,” Hearing this, Minseok suddenly sees a ray of hope, that maybe, the two of them can be accepted by Lu Han. “But in this industry, I don’t think it’s possible for me now. Now that my career’s thriving, having a kid is like swallowing a detonating bomb and putting an end to all of my hard work.” He says that, suddenly, the ray of hope disappears.

 

He has worked hard for the past years, he’s not going to give up now. He’s still happy with this setting, right?

 

“What if I tell you that you’re his Father?” Lu Han looks shocked. “What will you do?”

 

Lu Han has always wanted to build a family with Minseok, has always pondered about what will it be like to wake up everyday with him by his side and a little kid running around to complete their family. But does he really want it now? Isn’t it he’s just feeling lonely these past few weeks that he’s suddenly thinking of the possibilities? Having a kid?

 

Minseok nervously laughs. “Don’t be too anxious. It’s a what if question. It’s not like you’re her real father anyway.”

 

“Should we say this break is over and head back to studying?”

 

Lu Han hums.

 

 

There’s this awkward air around them and Lu Han’s not sure why.

  
-

 

 

 

 

 


	4. never

 

  
Minseok wakes up to the sound of his phone ringing. Lucia hurriedly runs through and hands him the phone, stuttering as she tells her Papa about someone calling.

 

Who on earth? Seven a.m. on a Sunday? Who in their right mind would–

 

It’s Lu Han. Twenty-six missed calls.

 

He calls him back, curious as to why Lu Han had the audacity to wake him up on his rest day.

 

His call immediately gets connected, Lu Han on the other line sighs in relief, the heaviest sigh he has ever heard in a while.

 

“Oh god. Thank god.”

 

“Why? What’s wrong?”

 

“Photoshoot at Yifan’s. Child model got sick. We need Lucia.”

 

“Wait, hold up–” Minseok is still a little blurry from waking up, still trying to process what Lu Han had told him a while ago. What? He wants Lucia to fill in for some absent child model. Like he would allow.

 

Lucia stares at her with a glint of curiosity in her eyes. “Is it Daddy Lu Han?” Minseok is on speaker so she heard it all, just trying to make sure she got the person right.

 

Minseok nods. “Oh good. Lucia, baby. It’s Daddy Lu Han.” The Chinese hears her speak, so he replies to her question in Minseok’s stead.

 

She squeals in delight. “Waaaa! Daddy!”

 

“Listen, Lucia. Your daddy–” Minseok grits his teeth at the word daddy. “Says he wants you to model for him in a photoshoot.”

 

“Photo?”

 

“Yes, baby. A photographer will take pictures of you with daddy. Are you okay with that?”

 

Minseok need not to ask. He just wants to make sure Lucia is really going to respond positively to Lu Han’s request. He doesn’t like this set-up, but he knows, Lucia will be pumped to see Lu Han again. He doesn’t want this, but if Lucia does, then who is he to hinder his princess’ happiness?

 

“Yes!”

 

Lu Han smiles on the other line. “Thank you, Minseok. Thank you, baby!”

 

The call is cut short and a message is sent to Minseok right after.

 

Lu Han jumps in joy and Yifan looks at him quizzically. “All is set, Yifan! We have a model!”

 

He leans to him, face serious. “But you have to prepare yourself for what’s to come.” He warns him, Yifan’s not so sure why, but his friend sounds serious about this.

 

“Okay…?”

 

 

 

-

 

Yifan stops in his tracks, nearly drops his new camera, but Lu Han saves him much to his relief. He hurries to Minseok, forgetting how much he actually hated him at first for leaving them without a word. He hugs him and Lucia laughs at his Papa being carried like a baby.

 

“Bring me down, ‘Fan.” Minseok whines, embarrassed with his current situation especially with his darling daughter laughing at them– him.

 

“Oh, god. Minseok, it’s you.” Yifan’s attention is brought to the little girl. “And she’s your…?”

 

“I’m Papa’s daughter, Lucia!” The girl answers brightly, extending her little hand towards the giant Yifan. The tall man squeals and squeaks like a little kid at Minseok’s cute little girl.

 

“Oh my god!” He exclaims and kneels down to her. “You’re the cutest!”

 

But it dawns to him, is this why Minseok left? Was he afraid of his friends looking down on him because of teenage pregnancy? They would never ever do that.

 

Yifan leads Lucia to the stylist to help her doll up, while the three adults are left to talk to each other, catch up and maybe, ask Minseok questions they have been wanting to ask… maybe, he would give them an answer. Maybe not.

 

“Minseok… who’s? Who… uhm… who got you…”

 

Minseok finishes the question for him. “Who got me pregnant?”

 

The taller nods, but before Minseok can answer him, Lucia screams, running towards the superstar, Lu Han. “Daddy Lu Han!”

 

Yifan shifts his gaze towards Minseok. Minseok shakes his head, looking restless and anxious. “It’s not what you’re thinking… Lucia… my baby thinks Lu Han is her other dad.”

 

“But he’s not?” Yifan squints and focuses at the duo in front of them, Lu Han playing with Lucia. “Are you sure? Because those two look uncannily similar. I would think Lu Han is her dad, too, if it were me.”

 

The Korean man continues on denying, but that just makes the Chinese feel that Minseok is hiding something from them all this time, but he concedes defeat. He doesn’t pry him anymore about it, but he knows there’s so much more than meets the eyes.

 

 

 

-

 

 

The photoshoot goes well much to Yifan and Lu Han’s relief and Minseok’s just happy that he sees his baby smiling and laughing. Maybe… if Minseok tells the truth, Lucia will be happier? But, what about Lu Han? Would he want to take responsibility of Lucia?

 

“Are you going to the reunion, ‘Seok?” Yifan asks. He knows the others misses Minseok badly too, wonders how he’s doing these past few years.

 

The Korean shrugs, looks at little Lucia playing with Lu Han. “Don’t know. Maybe not. I still don’t know how to face the others.”

 

“They miss you, ‘Seok! They’d be more than happy to see you doing well… looking great with a lovable daughter. Who knew you would be the first one?” Yifan realises he should have not said the last sentence, well, in his defense, he’s just too ecstatic to meet his friend. Too ecstatic to tell the others that Minseok is finally home within their reach.

 

“I’ll try… but please, don’t tell the others about me and Lucia.” Minseok begs. He knows it’s too much to ask for, but with his current situation, with his clouded thinking– he doesn’t have the courage to face the rest. Baekhyun took in the news well and he’s keeping his arrival here as a secret.

 

It’s hard for Yifan to keep this to himself, especially that he’s aware of how the others would want to see Minseok too. Five years… and he comes back with a beautiful daughter. Who wouldn’t want to know how he’s doing?

 

“I promise, ‘Seok.” He is firm with his words, but he wants to know why Minseok is doing this. Maybe he’s not the most mature out of the bunch before, bu there’s something wrong and he wants to find out what it is that stops Minseok. “But we have to talk. Not now. Preferably not with Lu Han around.”

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t even know when I last updated, but here’s a short one for you guys aaaaaa im sorry


	5. hurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short update.

Yifan invites Minseok over for a simple lunch. Lucia is at her kindergarten so Minseok doesn’t worry so much. They’re in a private room– the four walls make Minseok antsy, anxious with the ambiguous aura surrounding them.

 

Yifan hands him the menu and tells him to choose what he likes, but Minseok politely declines and chooses the same food his friend ordered. The two of them are left to talk after the waiter goes out and closes the door gently.

 

“You know why we’re here, Minseok.” Yifan starts off, his fingers playing with the utensils on the table as he speaks. He glances at his nervous friend and offers a reassuring smile– as if telling him it’s okay to be honest, it’s okay because he won’t judge him for the decisions he made.

 

“We missed you so much, ‘Seok.” He says, starting off with something light so Minseok will stop trembling. “It has never been the same without you.”

 

People in the campus already knew Minseok would debut sooner or later so the sudden departure after graduation made all people wonder why he left when he was set to debut. He was already, little by little, making his presence known. May it be a small cameo role in a drama or a small stint in a music video.

 

“Luhan changed, Minseok. God knows how much he suffered when you left.”

 

Minseok only looks down. He’s going to tell Yifan everything. He’s aware he can’t hide it forever, butsince Yifan is already doubting him, he’d rather reveal it first to him and see if he has any advice to offer.

 

“But... he wasn’t even aware that I suffered because of him.”

 

Yifan seems confused. Minseok’s words– they surely mean something else. “What do you mean?”

 

Really... Minseok wonders, too. He’s determined to spill everything to his friend, but still, he kept it for so long and unleashing all what he has buried inside his heart is making him anxious– nervous, sweaty.

 

“Luhan... he– he got me pregnant.”

 

Yifan’s eyes widen– what is he hearing? What’s all this sudden revelation? He’s kidding, right? That bastard– he will surely get a beating when they meet next time. He cries and whines over Minseok leaving, but he’s the reason why their friend left. Ridiculous.

 

“That bastard–“ He’s livid, already in the process of calling Luhan on his phone to give him a lecture, but Minseok runs towards him and asks him to drop whatever he’s trying to do.

 

“He doesn’t know, Yifan.” Minseok says, breathless. He’s almost crying is what Yifan notices. “I was worried... it’s his dream...”

 

“But you gave up yours and let yourself deal with your kid alone.” Now that Yifan thinks about everything, Minseok is selfless– he gave up his dream to raise their kid alone, so that Luhan can go on and walk the path he’s always destined to.

 

Yifan envelopes Minseok in a tight embrace– his sobs are muffled, but his heart beat cannot hide what he feels. “He was going to debut, ‘Fan. I didn’t want him to hate me– didn’t want to him to give up on his dreams because of me. So when I found out about my pregnancy, I took off without saying a word.”

 

“But you suffered alone...”

 

“I’m not sure if he would want me or his daughter, though.”

 

Yifan’s so sure Luhan would want nothing more than his own family with Minseok. It’s just that, everything’s so messed up. If only they can talk and clear things out. If only Minseok will know that Luhan wanted him– loves him the same way he does– more than friends.


End file.
